10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You
We all know at least one hardcore people pleaser. You know the signs: She sleeps in the rain and gets the flu so her friend’s dog can fit in the tent. She’s 100% republican but lied about her vote because the nation had Obama fever. If a friend calls her stupid, she whips up a batch of cookies, and makes a card that reads, “I’m sorry for disappointing you.” And despite all her over-the-top efforts to be liked by everyone, many people disrespect her. Maybe that’s you, maybe it’s not–but odds are, you can relate at least a little to the desire to be well-liked. Who doesn’t want to feel accepted, respected, and appreciated?
This isn’t a post about overcoming people-pleaser tendencies–you can find that info here. This post won’t teach you how to make friends and avoid alienating people–you can find that info here. If you generally do your best to learn and grow every day but occasionally stress about other people’s opinions then yes, this post is for you. It’s awesome not everyone likes you because:
10. It allows you to be true to yourself. The biggest disservice you can do yourself is shape-shifting to please your audience. It’s exhausting (even to watch) and, more importantly, pointless. No one will get to know who you really are, which will leave you feeling empty.
9. It gives you the power to say no. I truly believe people are good at heart. That being said, it’s human nature to test boundaries; and it happens all the time in relationships. When you’re willing to be disliked, you’re not afraid to say no as it suits you. Both your yeses and nos shape your future, so choose them wisely.
8. You’ll be more comfortable exploring your feelings. I know–this isn’t a popular one for the male persuasion. (MC Hammer agrees if that lends any credence to this argument.) But doesn’t it feel good to just be where you are without pretending for someone else’s sake? I’m not saying you should act in anger or fear; just that it’s pretty empowering to say, “Hell yeah–I’m terrified” (or lonely or weak or struggling) regardless of what people will think.
7. You can help other people. An angst-filled younger me made a faux voodoo doll for a middle school teacher who forever changed my life (not my proudest moment). It’s often the least popular people who strike the deepest chord in us. Be unpopular when necessary and push people to be their best. You just may save someone’s life.
6. You can freely express your thoughts. I’ve always said one of the kindest things you can do for someone else is to listen without forming an opinion. You deserve that same kindness, but the reality is you won’t always get it. People will form opinions when you speak. Talk anyways. Be kind in your words, but fearless.
5. It prepares you for great success. Pick one of your favorite popular Twitterers, be it a celebrity or social media guru (there are a ton). Go look at their @replies. Odds are they field their fair share of harsh comments. The higher you rise the more negative feedback you’ll receive, both constructive and unnecessary. Being disliked and OK with it prepares you for making it big.
4. It teaches you to offer kindness and compassion without expectations. It’s not too difficult to offer someone compassion when they’ve treated you with respect and kindness. What’s more valuable for your development as a person, and to mankind as whole, is the ability to do what’s right because it’s right–not because you’ll get something in return.
3. You’ll inspire other people. There is someone I know who has the uncanny ability to keep going, even when others try to pull her down. I learn from her every day. Every person who doesn’t love her assertive, over-the-top personality is a reminder she is unique and not afraid.
2. You can use your time wisely. If you’re liked by everyone, odds are you’re spreading yourself way too thin trying to keep them all happy. I disagree with people who say life is too short. Most of us have plenty of time. We just have to use it well, bettering ourselves and the lives of people around us instead of worrying about other people’s perceptions.
1. You can choose to smile anyways. You could use your energy to make daily inventories of everything that’s wrong–the money you don’t have, the esteem you didn’t earn, the people you disappointed. Or you could commit to being your best, and then sit back and smile. Life will always be a balancing act. Learn to teeter in serenity.
As with all my posts, I wrote some of this for me. I often think it’s a reflection on myself when someone else doesn’t like me, but I’m learning to let that go. Do you take it personally when someone isn’t your biggest fan? Do you have anything to add to this list?
By Lori Deschene, Photos glisglis
If you enjoyed this post, please support seeinggood.com by submitting it to Digg/StumbleUpon or tweeting it on Twitter. I am @lori_deschene. If you didn’t enjoy this post and decided you don’t like me, thank you! That is awesome.
Wow this is a pretty great list. Just forwarded to my sister…she’s obsessed with people liking her.
Awesome Lori -
Awesome post and awesome YOU!
( Duly Stumbled too)
Alex
Liliana~ I forwarded to my sister, as well! Thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate your comments.
Alex~ Thank you! This is one of my favorite posts so far, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I.LOVE.THIS.POST. Here’s my favorite part:
The higher you rise the more negative feedback you’ll receive, both constructive and unnecessary. Being disliked and OK with it prepares you for making it big.
AGREED! Thank you so much for encouraging everyone to embrace their own awesomeness- in the end, giving yourself the approval you need will be the only way you’ll wake up satisfied.
Yeah, great post. Who really cares what other people think of you. I never have. It’s so liberating to just be yourself.
Jaime~ That’s my favorite one, too! There’s a lot of negativity out there, and I think it comes from fear. I’m finally realizing I am on both sides of the fence–afraid and brave–but I can choose where I want to devote my energy on a day-to-day basis. Thank you reading and commenting
Miss Unconventional~ That’s awesome you’ve never fallen into this trap. It’s no fun worrying about what other people think. And I agree–it is very liberating to just be who you are.
I have been guilty of falling in this trap when I was younger, but eventually I started to see how BS it was, how only you can control your journey, and how its far better to be a leader rather than a follower. it can be a lonely road though, as many fall into the trap of group think.
one of my favorites was number 3. I believe that true leaders inspire others in many ways, in voice and in action. one of the most positive energy people i have ever met, endured very painful times, yet you would have never guessed it, or seen the expression on her face. we met up about a month ago as I was experiencing some rough times, we went out for sushi and traded stories, I was shocked to see how similar her story was to mine, but how much worse it was. instead of feeling alone in what I was dealing with, our discussion really helped me see that I was spending too much time on the negative rather than the positive.
LOVE this post. I do a “shout out” M-F on Twitter, I just found my shout out 4 this Friday!
Chris~ I can definitely relate to your story. There are so many amazing, strong people who are true leaders. They don’t victimize themselves or get bogged down in things they can’t control (at least not most of the time). Instead they devote their energy to making a difference now, regardless of where they’ve been or what other people think. I love Twitter because I’ve met a ton of these people on there, and I work every day to be more like them.
Tara~ Fantastic! I am so glad you found your way to the site, and I look forward to connecting more.
I love this list. Thanks.
As someone who loves being loved, I can relate to this article a lot. Love the light way you share about this issue that many of us deal with. I think the older I get the less I care, but sometimes I still get my button pushed, or i have a serious grade school flash back and feel the need to please.
I plan to share this with others. Thanks so much!
~ Margalit
http://www.getupgirl.org/
Flossie~ Thanks and you’re welcome!
Margalit~ I absolutely relate. I’ve always wanted people to love me…and if they didn’t, I tried harder to win them over. It’s been really liberating to stop taking responsibility for other people’s perceptions. Also, thank you so much for sharing your link. You have a beautiful site/mission =)
Well done, thanks for sharing.
Great post! I love looking around at your blog and I think this post in particular really speaks to a lot of people. So often people (and, especially women) try to please everyone in their lives, which ends up causing a lot of stress for them, and, inevitably, for those around them. This post has some great ideas and I really enjoyed it. Thanks!
http://positivelypresent.typepad.com
Sleep apnea~ And thank you for reading =)
Positively Present~ I agree; people-pleasing can cause a lot of stress because it’s just not possible to make everyone happy. I know–I’ve tried! Thank you for the link to your site. I love your tagline: live happily ever after now. Beautiful!
“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth, without complicated explanation.” ~ Rumi
I LOVE that Rumi quote! Thanks for posting it. I think I’ll put it on Twitter tomorrow.
i love this…. and if i twittered i’d tweet this.. (i’m sure i said that incorrectly:) you can always watch role models another time.
wow what an intriguing post, I loved reading this and have duely stumbled it and saved it for future reading. You don’t usually find genuine people on the internet, people are usually always trying to perceieve themselves as something they are not.
I remain anonymous as one
Another wonderful post Lori, you made me smile =)! Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration me along with countless others I’m sure.
Dear Lori,
I am revisiting your old posts. I do not wish to miss any of the gems
This is a fabulous, inspiring post. In all my life until today I firmly believe most of my unhappiness is due to my people pleaser and approval seeker personality. Let me print out you post to remind myself it is indeed an AWESOME moment people do not like me - WOW so powerful & empowering =) I love your two statements as below:
What’s more valuable for your development as a person, and to mankind as whole, is the ability to do what’s right because it’s right–not because you’ll get something in return. —- remind me I do not have to mind what other people think of me when I do something which I think is right while others not agree. I have the tendency to not stand on something right in order to get someone to like me and say I am a nice person
it’s pretty empowering to say, “Hell yeah–I’m terrified” (or lonely or weak or struggling) regardless of what people will think. - wow !!! I feel so relax knowing that I can tell others my struggling without having to worry what other think
wow, I love this
cheers, Jen
Good Stuff!
As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, I find this list to be not only accurate but super duper helpful.
If you’ve forwarded this to someone, aren’t you hinting that people don’t like them? Just sayin’
I’ve enjoyed most of the benefits of this list (3, and 5 are yet to be seen) and I refuse to be the people pleaser my mom and everyone else want me to be. (ironically my mom taught me to be independant when i was younger) But it’s a very lonely way to live. Whay does everyone hate me? At least half the peopleI know aren’t people pleasers yet EVERYONE expects, no demands I be a doormat! Why? why am I inferior in their eyes. why do i search for new friends online in forign countries only to find replicas of my own former highschool classmates?
I don;t get #6, I think its worded poorly. Otherwise, interesting post.
Wow its such a unique post. all the time people read how 2 be liked by others. i luved pt. 6. Be kind in your words, but fearless. this is wat my grand pa says n actually does. he tells me to speak out boldly, but politely n without agitation. i’ve tried it a few times n it worked wonders !!
I hadn’t looked at this post for a while because it’s one of my older ones, but I wanted to thank everyone for reading and apologize for not addressing your comments sooner.
Cori~ Thank you! Have been twittering now that you have an account? It’s addictive…
Dan~ Thank you for the kind words. I really enjoy connecting with people on an authentic level, and I feel honored to have the opportunity through this site and Twitter.
Low Voltage~ As are you =) Any time someone makes the effort to connect on a meaningful level, they have my admiration and respect.
Jen~ You and I are so alike! I also dealt with a lot of hurt trying to make everyone like me. In fact, I got so concerned with whether or not I was liked, I became awkward and uncomfortable to be around. It was exhausting trying to be sure everyone saw me as good, well-intentioned, kind, and likable. I still fall into that pattern on occasion, but I work on convincing MYSELF of those things, and letting everyone else decide for themselves. As always, thank you for being so honest and open in your comment. I really enjoy sharing myself with people who are willing to do the same. It feels like we’re all growing together =)
Miles~ Thank you!
Erica~ Awesome! I know people-pleasing better than anything else; this post was really cathartic to write.
Rich~ LOL I suppose. Or you’re hinting they’re too concerned with that people think–which is no fun at all!
Suzanne~ I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with that kind of hardship, and I can relate. Although I believe people are good at heart, I know there are some people who bully others into meeting their own agenda. I try to keep them at a distance because I know I’m someone with a very open heart; and that kind of thing effects me deeply.
I understand how it may feel to be in that position, but I suspect there are some people who don’t hate you. Everyone has someone’s love. I hope the community here can give you some support and validation. I love knowing new people, and I would love to know you =)
Annya~ Thanks for the feedback. Perhaps this explanation will make more sense to you: When you don’t care that some people don’t like you because you’ve accepted not everyone will, you’re more apt to say what you think–instead of pretending you feel one way to avoid making waves. We should all be free to say what we feel and mean, but you can only do that if you’re willing to let someone receive and interpret your words as they see fit. Does that make sense?
mina~ I’m so glad this resonated with you! I believe we have a right to speak our minds so long as we always try our best to be kind. Your grandpa sounds like a smart man =)
Excellent post, i really do think its important to be true to yourself, whatver people think and to be honest (though sensitive!)
Great list, Lori!
I’ve always heard when you wake up in the morning, you can choose to be grumpy or choose to be cheerful. Unfortunately, I have not been choosing the latter lately. I will definately work on waking up on one the “right” side of the bed….
I was a very shy person in school, and was teased a lot. Having a sensitive nature has cost me over my 50 year lifespan. I find if people can step on you, then you are not respected. You must choose when to be firm and when to be compassionate. When to say “yes” and when to say “no” . This part has been difficult for me over the years because you don’t want people to be “mad at you” or “not like you” I’ve found that it works the opposite way. If you are firm, you gain more respect from your peers.
“1. You can choose to smile anyways.”
love it!
smiling is always the best option for anything really.
There was a time when I agreed with you 100 percent; I’ve lived my life on these principles, and it used to work. But times have changed, and social popularity is EVERYTHING today, especially at work. My career counselor showed me an article of survey results showing that both management and employees considered “likeability” the most important quality of success at work. Things like “reliability,” “job performance,” and “punctuality” were all down the list. She told me about a client who was given negative feedback on a performance evaluation because she emailed her supervisor rather than talking to them, thinking this would save time and be more efficient; the supervisor considered it “anti-social.” Going to a restaurant is now an experience in ear-shattering noise, as people seem to try to “out-socialize” one another by being in bigger, louder groups, like we see in TV commercials. Our status is tied to how many people - rather, how many hundreds of people - we consider “friends” on Facebook, etc. This shallow pre-occupation with social popularity is no accident; nor is it a coincidence that the culture has dumbed down proportionately, as no one wants to be seen as socially-uncool nerds, eggheads or dweebs. This hyper-sociability comes from a number of quarters, including perhaps the general feminization of U.S. pop culture. But I am convinced the primary medium for this message is television, particularly advertisers. The advertiser’s basic strategic goal, as we know, is to “create a need and then offer to fill that need.” The “need” they are trying to create is to be like everyone else, to show that you are “in the tribe.” It makes it much, much easier to sell people things they don’t need if they believe, on some below-the-surface level at least, that anyone who’s anyone is just like the images they are seeing on the TV. That image is that we are surrounded by hordes of ebulient buddies and scores of sparklingly-attractive members of the opposite sex, who laugh vigorously at our every utterance, however inane. Of course, life isn’t like that for most of us, except on occasion; thus, we feel something is lacking, or maybe there’s something wrong with us. TV content works carefully hand-in-hand with advertising, and strives for the same imagery as it’s marketers demand, whether it be the corporate-suit conformity of sports and news, or the gee-they’re-cool snark of “Seinfeld,” “Friends” and their many imitators, whose MO was to take a group of (usually young) people, all market tested for high likeability, throw them together and build a show around how likeable they are. The result is this pathological desperation to be socially popular. I recently heard some talk-show host say, regarding the high cost of some pay-per-view TV event, that if you havent got at least 12 or 13 close friends to splilt the cost with, your are “a loser, and no one cares what you do.” And in the 21st century American culture of winning at all costs, we will do ANYTHING to avoid being a “loser.” Thsi is the crux of the problem, for the subtext of being innundated with these carefully-chosen images is that if your life doesn’t look like the one you see on TV, you too are a loser. Television is very, VERY powerful.
Steve~ I can totally relate to what you wrote. I had a similar experience when I was younger; was teased and downright harassed. It’s a tough thing, finding the balance between being compassionate and firm. But I think you’re right about people respecting people who clearly respect themselves.
Hi Michael~ I think you’ve outlined some compelling arguments for society’s incentive to convince us we need to be “popular.” And I think you’re spot-on. I also think indulging this type of thinking can be destructive on many levels. A lot of it is likely subconscious; but to the degree we’re able to control how we think, I think it’s worthwhile to challenge these ideas. I personally feel a lot happier when I have relationships that are fulfilling, as opposed to countless superficial relationships that create the illusion of popularity.
Also, I should clarify my intention was not to suggest we should aim not to be liked; but rather that it would benefit us to focus on this less. In fact, I’ve noticed people are better liked when they’re less concerned with how well people receive them
Thanks for the thoughtful, well-researched addition to the conversation!
wow, I was having one of those ‘moments’ where I was feeling pretty down on myself and then I read this and it really snapped me out of that moment. Thanks.